Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

sin harder.

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.