Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what