Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

This makes total sense…

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

i baked you a cake

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

Not helping

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”