Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.