Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
You Might Also Like
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
For the ones in the back.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame