[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
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imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*