Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

new record!

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

How software testing works

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

Well, this certainly took a turn

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

yall want some gasoline milk

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it