choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
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James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.