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Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
