Choosing the correct font is crucial…
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This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?