Choosing the correct font is crucial…
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My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears