Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

Erm…

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.