Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!