[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
