[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
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DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom