[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
