Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.