Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

When your parents check you’re ok.

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

Not with that attitude

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!