[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
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I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”