[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
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How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩