Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
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Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!