Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
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Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
The one hour wash on my dishwasher runs for 124 minutes.
So that makes sense
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.