Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

felt that

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?