chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
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just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Always the camel, never the toe.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.