chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
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interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
These aliens are taking forever.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Best table by far
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness