Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
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Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?