Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sry

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”