Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

Simple enough.

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

jesus, what did this guy do

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.