Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
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*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.