Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
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How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?