@TheMichaelRock

Chris Brown said he’s done making music.

That’s funny. I didn’t even know he started.

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@MrGirlDad

I am pleased to report that the spider I felt on my neck that caused me to nearly drop the baby was, in fact, my shirt tag.

@prufrockluvsong

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

@ADHDeanASL

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

@Manali_Shetye5

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages
Need I say more?

@WilliamAder

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

@Sarcasticsapien

So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I’m over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening.

@ArfMeasures

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

@slooberbie

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation