I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
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My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Meanwhile in Portland…
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I put the p in pants.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.