[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
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Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.