[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Schrödinger’s cookie
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille