[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
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How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames