Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

If you want my opinion ask my wife

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

mood

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

Coffee is ready.

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

Not now. I’m deglazing.