Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

Going to church you guys need anything

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

The human personality is made of five key elements

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

My blood type is coffee.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

So we got a goldfish…