Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

A friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”

My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday