Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t come here to be called names

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

Alexa: *deep breath*

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.