Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
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We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
🤔😂😂
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.