Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
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A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
*lint rolls you awake*
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.