Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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*sewing*
A thread
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Pandas 🐼🖤
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My love language is hissing.
tis the season
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.