Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died