Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

I camp so other people don’t have to.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.