Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts