Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?