Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.