Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
he was correct
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
