christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
