christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
☠️☠️☠️
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
