‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
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I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Reporter: *ports again*
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.