‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
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“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Natty or not?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
My daily affirmation
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”