Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

respect

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

Single and childfree like Jesus

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”