‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time