Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
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oh she’s cooked
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.