Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
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ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
the three genders
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema