Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
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If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Huge, if true.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.