Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
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Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie