Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
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[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
