Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
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The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
titanic
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!