@Shock_Monster

Christian Mingle: Find God’s match for you.

Because the Lord works in mysterious ways. Like setting up a website for his people to hook up.

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@MissHavisham

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

@i_theindian

When your nose is running and your feet smell, you are not sick you’re just built upside down.

@EyeSeeYou619

[First Date]

HIM: So, you like Star Wars.
ME: *sipping soup thru a bendy straw so I don’t have to take off my C-3PO mask* *shakes head yes*

@Jeff_Sargeant

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

@mayamanion

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

@daddydoubts

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

@FuckabillyRex

I gave my bus driver a copy of the play I wrote about a bus driver that falls in love with one of his passengers. And now we wait.

@dafloydsta

Doc: I’m afraid you got 6 months to live
Me: Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I’m not
Me: You said you were
Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?