Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Christian Mingle: Find God’s match for you.
Because the Lord works in mysterious ways. Like setting up a website for his people to hook up.
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Negative effects of smoking Marijuana.
1. You now have less marijuana.
*Plots revenge by getting a job at a fast food restaurant and waiting for nemesis to drive thru and not putting a straw in their bag*
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
*sends self nudes to see what all the fuss is about
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests