Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
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The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude