if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
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Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
The opposite of Iceland is water water
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Beware…..
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.