Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

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My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.


Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”


My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”


Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.


Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.


*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe

*takes off shoe, shakes it upside down*

*Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*


magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]


American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.