Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
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Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
#JohnTravolta
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.