It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Christian Singles sounds like a Kraft product.
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Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
not a day goes by where i don’t think of this