@MarcusOreally

Christian Singles sounds like a Kraft product.

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@ItsLaTourette

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

@Gupton68

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

@BDGarp

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

@jamieleefinch

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

@dorsalstream

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

@ThaJawn

What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?

@leannuh

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

@GamerPres2020

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.