Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

what it’s like dating me:

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”