Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.