Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
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If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist