Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
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accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
The happy life.. 😊
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?