Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

thats my bad

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius