Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
You Might Also Like
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb