[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
You Might Also Like
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
Me: *panicking*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*