[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
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If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
yeah 😭
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen