Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
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*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
He-man has a Masters degree
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.