Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

sleeping beauty

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.