Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Squirrels before girls.

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now