Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
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ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
#growingpains
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…