Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok